Nice people are jerks. Their behavior tends to be inconsiderate or even selfish. They're shallow and make poor friends. They lie to your face and abandon you when it will do the most harm. Yes, I'm talking about nice people here, those smiling faces you see at the grocery store and religious or social functions. One of those smiles may even be yours.
To explain, I'll tell you about a guy named Joe. Joe thinks he has lots of friends because he knows so many nice people. Joe is completely clueless about what jerks nice people are. In fact, Joe may not have a friend in the world.
Nice people are liars. They tell Joe it's no big deal or that they don't mind, but it isn't true. It is a big deal to them and it really irritates them. Joe has bags under the eyes and his zipper's down, but they tell Joe how good he looks. They act happy to see Joe, but they really wish he'd go away. You see, Joe has a problem. Maybe he lost his job or maybe he's in a relationship that's struggling. Either way, the nice people listen intently and tell Joe how much they feel for him. They'd rather be shopping or golfing or some such thing. After all, Joe did this to himself and it isn't the first time. But nice people wouldn't dare say such a thing because that's not what nice people do.
Nice people will however tell each other how old it gets listening to Joe moan about his problems without a clue that he brought it upon himself yet again. But can you blame these nice folks for talking about Joe behind his back? After all, it wouldn't be nice to tell Joe that he's his own worst enemy. And talking about Joe behind his back makes for a great bonding experience even if it does leave Joe out in the cold.
Nice people are busy. They're busy with work and family and they volunteer to help the less fortunate, but most importantly, they're busy spending time with people who aren't Joe. Nice people won't tell Joe that they'd rather not spend time with him. Instead, they leave Joe out of their social calendar and make excuses when Joe wants to spend time together. They tell him they'd love to spend time together, "some other day," or, "some day soon." This is code for, "hopefully never," or "I'll put it off as long as I can," but Joe doesn't know this.
Nice people say, "I'm here for you," and, "Feel free to call me if you need anything," but this is only true as long as Joe doesn't need anything. When called upon, nice people may listen, but that's about it, because nice people don't help. Nice people hope Joe will feel better if he feels like he's been heard, but if Joe asks for help, they have ways of dodging the bullet. They can act like they didn't hear that part or they didn't realize what he was asking or they can give Joe some really vague answer that gets them out of making any real commitment to help. Nice people have to maintain the illusion of being helpful, but they don't actually have to help. Nice people could have stepped in before Joe's problems got this far because they saw that Joe needed help, but that's just not what nice people do. Nice people don't like to get involved.
There are a number of possible explanations for the social dysfunction of nice people and more than one may apply to a given case. The one that seems likely to apply to nearly all of them is a lack of empathy. You see, nice people may not realize how their behavior affects Joe. When they are nice to Joe, either they can't put themselves in Joe's shoes or it doesn't even occur to them to try. They never stop to think how deeply wounded Joe must feel by the way they string him along with a hope of friendship that is never satisfied.
Another explanation is that nice people were raised by nice families that taught them how to be nice people. If they were raised to be nice people and all their family members are nice people, it would be very hard to realize what a bunch of jerks the whole lot is. And so they go on being nice, leaving a trail of lies and destruction in their wake
Nice people may also be short sighted about the effects of their behavior. For example, sympathizing with Joe may make him feel better in the short term, which makes him a lot more bearable to be around. But unless someone explains to Joe what he's doing wrong, he's going to continue having problems. And avoiding Joe is even more convenient because feigning sympathy can be such work. Talking about Joe behind his back is the perfect way to blow off steam while bonding over a common struggle even though it alienates Joe and poisons others against him.
Selfishness and insecurity are also strong motivators for being a nice person. Perhaps the selfishness is a manifestation of insecurity because they seem to have such similar affects on nice people. Being nice to Joe garners favor both from Joe and from those around Joe, which serves to soothe insecurities and stroke egos. It also gives nice people that warm fuzzy feeling. In addition, being nice to Joe avoids rejection or retribution from Joe which can be annoying or hurtful, depending on whether the motive was selfishness or insecurity.
Nice people need a cure so they can quit being jerks. That cure begins with honesty. Being nice to Joe will get them out of some uncomfortable spots, but being honest with Joe will ultimately pay off more often than not. Being honest also means spending less effort making excuses and trying to avoid Joe.
Next, nice people need to learn to empathize. They need to realize that what they've been doing has been hurting Joe. Joe needs someone to be honest and direct with him without fear of hurting his feelings or being rejected. If Joe won't hear it, at least he'll only have himself to blame. Joe also needs someone to play an active role in his life instead of standing by the sidelines idly listening. Finally, Joe needs a friend. He's been surrounded by nice people that have left him all alone.
Nice people need to take the long view. Joe may be angry when they tell him the truth, but eventually he may come around when he realizes that he has a true friend. And developing a relationship with Joe may be uncomfortable or inconvenient at times, but it may change Joe's life while providing them with an opportunity for personal development. And if they just don't have the patience for Joe, being honest enough to tell him so will give him the opportunity to move on to someone who does. The illusion of friendship may well have been holding Joe back from looking for and finding real friendship.
Nice people should be willing to be inconvenienced. Joe isn't the only one who may need someone to drive twelve hours one way or wake up in the middle of the night to lend a hand; they should be willing to care for the needs of others if they have any expectation at all that others will care for them. And it may be uncomfortable upsetting Joe by saying what needs to be said, but how will he know unless someone tells him? They will be better people when they learn to sacrifice themselves to others.
And nice people are a lot more likely to do all those things when they redefine their self worth. Nice people should know that what they do is more valuable than what people think. Sometimes doing the right thing is unpopular or inconvenient, but it's always worth while. Some people may scoff or resent it when they do a good thing, but that doesn't mean it wasn't worth doing. Nice people ought to value their service to others more highly than their social status.
